Baseball Toaster Cub Town
2005-04-25 22:29
by Alex Ciepley

Cut is the branch that might have grown full straight,
And burned is Apollo's laurel bough,
That sometime grew within this learned man.
Faustus is gone. Regard his hellish fall,
Whose fiendful fortune may exhort the wise
Only to wonder at unlawful things,
Whose deepness doth entice such forward wits,
To practise more than heavenly power permits.
- Doctor "Neifi!!" Faustus

Oh Neifi!! What have you done?

I fully expected it. I thought it was inevitable. I praise Neifi!! for having been a Good Cub so far, and he promptly rewards my accolades by grounding out to second base in 25 consecutive 1-pitch at-bats.

So far, so very wrong.

Today Neifi!! earned a second exclamation point. In yet another vintage Mark Prior outing (jinx!), our once-wallflower shortstop-replacement drove in four runs, including a three-run smacker. He's now hitting .388/.412/.551 in 53 plate appearances for the season. He even has two (2!) walks.

As Mr. Will Carroll asks in the comments,

You know, if Neifi Perez did sell his soul, how much you think he got for it?

Popular theories include:

  • Neifi!! is secretly a native of Port Huron, Michigan, and just won the $205 million Mega Millions jackpot. Slightly embarassed that he has spent his career posing as a Dominican and not a born-and-bred Michigander, he has yet to claim his prize.
  • Neifi!!'s real name is Joseph Ratzinger. He prayed that he wouldn't be named Pope, but hey, God works in Mysterious Ways. Neifi!! now takes time from Mass to slay the demons of the world, otherwise known as the Cubs' opponents.
  • Niefi!! is really a teenage girl, using bodybuilding steroids to get the "toned, sculpted look of models and movies stars". As a side benefit to having the bod of Jennifer Aniston or Iman, he gets to hit homers and drive pitchers batty with singles up the middle.

I'm still going with the "random as hell" theory to Neifi's success, but you know, as long as it's working, devil may care.

2005-04-26 00:04:00
1.   Ken Arneson
I think Neifi has stolen all his hits from the Oakland A's. Look at the A's current team hitting stats:


That is so Neifi-like!

I insist that Neifi return our hitting skills immediately, or we shall refuse to trade you Octavio Dotel. This is your only warning.

2005-04-26 05:26:53
2.   graciebarn
2. He may be an invading martian who is disappointed in the entire human race and so has decided to skew their sports statistics grossly.

Or not.

Ken, if you don't use the required exclamation points in Neifi!!'s name, there's no way Alex and Derek are going to listen to you.

2005-04-26 05:40:09
3.   Dutch
Law of Averages finally kicking in for Neifi! Perez after the last ten years of sub-par ab's
2005-04-26 06:51:08
4.   Zoompet
Maybe, just maybe, Neifi! was right when he said hitters can change when they get older. Maybe, like Neifi! said, he really going to avoid chasing bad pitches. Maybe it is this new approach that is paying dividens, and not just a hot streak. I certainly hope so because I like what I am getting from this new Neifi! a lot more than what I was excepting from the old Neifi.
2005-04-26 09:50:52
5.   Ken Arneson
I wasn't talking about Neifi!!, the guy who is hitting .388/.412/.551. I was talking about Neifi, the guy who hit .232/.276/.295 in San Francisco last year. That's the guy I know. He stole our exclamation points when he left the Bay Area last year, and I want them back.
2005-04-26 11:43:10
6.   10man
Any truth to the rumor that Neifi!!'s newfound hitting prowess is due to taking baby peeks at the catcher??

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