Baseball Toaster Cub Town
The Burnitzalypse?
2005-02-02 08:23
by Derek Smart

Last winter, when St. Louis signed out machine and snappy dresser, Tony Womack, to play second base, Brian Gunn coined a phrase in his dearly departed blog, Redbird Nation, that at the time seemed to perfectly capture the essence of what I would be feeling if I rooted for the Cardinals. Brian called it "The Womackalypse", and with all that has gone down this week - from the trade of Sammy Sosa to the imminent signing of Jeromy Burnitz - I found myself searching for a word or phrase that I could bend to my purposes in a similar way. Here's a quick list of the candidates:

  • Sosacalypse - Admittedly derivative of Brian's original, but goodness, it has a ring to it.
  • Sosaclysm - Decent enough, but catches in the throat like a bite from a peanut butter and Vegemite sandwich.
  • Sosastrophe - A catastrophe involving Sammy Sosa, or the loss of posterior muscle mass. You decide.
  • Samalamity - Say that five times fast. I sprained my tongue just thinking about it.

They're fine candidates all, but the more thought I put into it, the more I lean toward a phrase that specifically describes the role Burnitz will play in the Earth-engulfing conflagration to come; that properly puts in perspective this entire winter and the horror sure to visit the Cub outfield during 2005. The offseason of fumbling, the trade of Sosa, the acquisition of Burnitz, I dub thee: Jeromageddon

The ironic thing is that after the consternation Gunn and other Cardinals fans expressed at his acquisition, Sir 'Alypse went on to have his finest season ever at the age of 34. The soon-to-be-Cub, J-Burn (Hey, aren't we all required by Federal Statute to have a nickname comprised of the first initial of our first name and first syllable of our last?), will be 36 in the season to come, so the parallel isn't exact, but maybe - just maybe - if we say enough monstrously cruel things about his signing, Mr. Burnitz will reward us with a season for the ages. I, for one, intend to take the challenge.

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