Baseball Toaster Cub Town
A Proposal To MLB: For Preventing Disparity And Eliminating The Abuse Of Steroids In Baseball
2007-03-18 18:52
by Phil Bencomo

Probability says that every major league team has the same chance to win the World Series: 1/30.

But history says otherwise.

Some teams have yet to win a title – like the 45-year-old Houston Astros – while others have not tasted glory in nearly a century. And though the days of the dynasty seem gone, parity remains elusive. The last time the Kansas City Royals, for instance, even qualified for the postseason was over 20 years ago; Milwaukee last played in October in 1982; and the former Montreal and current Washington franchise last saw the postseason in 1981. Five other teams have currently gone more than 10 seasons without a playoff appearance, and Baltimore and Tampa Bay have waited nine seasons.

One-third of all MLB teams have not been to the playoffs in nine or more years. Simply put, this utter lack of competitive balance is unacceptable. It is detrimental to the health of the game; it alienates fans; it shrinks revenue for non-playoff teams; and the longer this lack of parity continues, the harder it will be to overcome the perpetual deprivation of competitive balance.

There can be but one solution, then, a simple proposal that will bring not only parity, but also an end to the widespread drug abuse that has long plagued baseball, and the exploitation of youth across the globe, from Little League to the Dominican.

Advances in genetic engineering and cloning technology mean player homogeneity is closer than one might think. If each roster is filled with genetically identical players, with skill sets honed to specific positions, there can be no question of parity on each squad. Of course, some will inevitably be better than others – genetically identical does not equal physically or mentally identical – but mandated rosters of clones will nearly eliminate the type of talent hoarding seen in New York and other large-market cities.

But to prevent a crafty owner from exploiting the system and giving his team an inherent advantage by signing those clones that are inevitably better, every player will be assigned a rating, as assigned by a computer using a mathematical formula, and each rating will correspond to a specific salary. Free agency will be no more; contractual value will be handled systematically. Each team, then, will be allotted a set number of players at each rating, so as to prevent any one team from having too much talent.

Further, each clone will be in service only during his prime years; once one grows too old, a younger clone just entering his peak years will replace him. Minor leagues, then, become obsolete – new players will be handled by MLB's cloning contractor – allowing teams to focus on the present state of their major league clubs and creating further parity. Dominican academies, a current source of talent for major leagues clubs, would become unnecessary, and the exploitation of young men that often results from them would be eradicated.

MLB's steroid problem would be immediately eliminated as well, for each clone would be genetically designed to produce excess amounts of testosterone and other hormones vital to muscle growth, making steroids, like the minors, obsolete and irrelevant.

To create further competitive balance, all existing MLB ballparks should be replaced within the decade with indoor, climate-controlled, neutral parks devoid of any advantage to hitter, pitcher or fielder on either team. So as to not give preference to a "home" team, first at-bats will be determined by coin flip prior to the start of each game. Fans will be separated from the field by a transparent, soundproof barrier in order to prevent the crowd from influencing the outcome of the game in any way.

Strict rules for grounds keeping will also be implemented. No more than one rock or dirt particle exceeding 2 cm in size may be found within one square foot of dirt. Grass must be exactly 7 cm high.

Only one model of bat may be used, and gloves will be standardized based on position. Balls will be used once and then discarded to prevent the introduction of any foreign substance.

* * * *

Only with the strict implementation of these and other similar reforms can competitive balance truly exist. Only then will the probability of winning truly be 1/30. Only then will the critics who decry the dominance of a small group of teams be finally satisfied.

The result will be a bland game lacking in the personality and aesthetic beauty that fans want and love and, as far as I'm concerned, without that which makes the simple game of bat and ball "baseball."

2007-03-18 19:16:13
1.   Ken Arneson
In the year 2030, people will look back at this article and say, "Wow, Phil Bencomo was so prescient!" And then they will come to your house to steal your DNA to get themselves some of those amazing prediction skills, and you will shout, "You rotten kids! Get off my lawn!"
2007-03-18 19:40:11
2.   Gagne55
There are no steroids in baseball- only players whom Chuck Norris has breathed on.
2007-03-19 15:30:22
3.   bryanf
A Modest Proposal

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